body grudges

Think about the last time someone really pissed you off. It could be as simple as an angry, careless motorist cutting you off during rush-hour or as complicated as years worth of mental/emotional abuse. Either way, when you're angry, certain hormones are released kicking off a chain reaction of events throughout your body that result in a rise of blood pressure, cortisol and adrenaline, maybe some choice words...etc. You may even notice that more traumatic events will trigger these reactions in your body long after the initial stress response (ie. holding a grudge).

Just like the mind, our bodies cling to emotional trauma too. Unresolved issues can literally build up a variety of toxic substances in the body that settle in certain muscles, joints and organs, often later to surface as a chronic injury, illness or source of frustration and tension.

If you think about your body and become aware of your regular patterns, most people will know where they "hold tension." Times of stress might result in the neck and shoulders contracting, tense hips, lower back pain or tension headaches. The body responds to negativity in very tangible, yet often ignored ways. We know that our body reacts obviously during stress, but when the mental effects of stress linger, it's only natural to also know that recurring and unresolved emotional stress will manifest in chronic pain, recurring injury or illness.

When I officially learned about the theory of different types of stress residing in different areas of the body, I was taken aback at how hard it hit home. I had been told for years that there is no logical reason why my shoulders and upper-back are always so tight, my scapula almost being fused to my thoracic spine. As a yoga instructor, it's not as if I don't make an effort to work out tight muscles in my body, especially those with which I struggle, but I was told that this must be the area in which I just "hold my tension." Though partially true, learning that shoulder pain is directly correlated to "how much we take on" and feeling as if "the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders," it finally made sense to me. My overwhelming responsibilities as caretaker for my husband were taking a serious toll on my body. Over the last few months as my husband's health has taken a huge upswing, my shoulder pain is, inexplicably, virtually gone.

We ALL have emotional "grudges" in our body. These are the traumatizing, sad or stressful parts of life that we have just not been able to fully shake, cope with, work out or move on from (whether we realize it or not.) Clinging to past hurt is a normal part of life. It's unhealthy, but it's often how many people make decisions to shape their future and create their life story. Depending on how we deal with stress on a daily basis, "traumatizing" can mean very different things to different people. In other words, the more naturally high-strung you are, the more effort you will need to make for self-care to undo the damaging effects of your stress.

If you have a specific area in the body of recurring trouble, see if you might better understand what types of emotions could be causing it with the information below. These are just some of the common areas in which people struggle with blocked emotional energy, but here's a more detailed chart.

Throat: lack of trust/self-expression 
Shoulders: burdens/responsibility
Heart: lack of love/compassion
Lungs: feelings of sorrow/grief
Liver: anger
Elbows: pushing away
Wrists: feelings of grasping
Adrenals: stress
Kidneys: fear
Hips: lack of support
Knees: ego
Ankles/Feet: issues with standing for yourself

There's so much to know about the emotional centers of the body. But to get rid of these chronic issues once and for all, start by addressing them emotionally, not just physically. Think about what could be causing your pain on a mental level and re-frame it. You can't always change the situation you're in, but you CAN change how you react to it, how often you seek support, guidance or counsel and how you continue to create or break down poor habits of self-pity and negative mantras. Focus on one issue at a time. Meditate on it. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling, but then find a way for yourself to truly let it go. And above all, listen to your body because it's telling you some seriously important shit.

Namaste!
Comments or questions? Comment below or email Rosslyn!

people pleasing

It's time for another cathartic post about dealing with chronic illness, so either bear with me or wait for the next good recipe or yoga post. :)

I've recently been getting a lot of great support and inspiration from other bloggers, caretakers and fighters out there dealing with chronic disease and I love reading their posts and relating to what their going through. I don't judge them, I don't pity them, I just understand them and it feels good. I hope to spread that solace through our experience as well.

Between the two of us, my husband and I both deal with our fair share of stress, just like everyone else. It's always something. This month, it's been major house repairs, a hit-and-run car accident (resulting in some rushed lessons on driving a stick!), a broken tractor, storm damage, termites, a new job with long hours...etc. But on top of a daily struggle with health, regular life is enough to cause a nervous breakdown sometimes. Normal challenges seem overwhelming when we're already maxed out. Along with actively reducing and confronting stress, the support of friends and family is imperative for anyone in our position. Even if loved ones don't understand, even if we don't want to talk about it all the time, it's nice to know that they're there for us...that they have our backs.

A lot of times, the hardest part is dealing with the loved ones that don't really have our backs and probably never will. It's hard to not have a concrete diagnosis, a cure-all pill or a progress report. How do we circumvent the subject of Dave's health? Is it appropriate to distance ourselves from these people? And how do we differentiate between the "how-are-you-because-I-feel-like-I-should-ask" and the "I-want-to-know-how-you-are-because-I-care?" There's a fine line between just trying to appear normal vs. walking on eggshells. Only in relationships where there is mutual release of expectations and judgement are we truly free. 

We don't expect unwavering unconditional love and support from everyone, but we do deserve a little leniency when it comes to social etiquette.  Holidays and large family gatherings are the worst. We practically dread them because we are expected to both be there, act a certain way, eat certain foods and at least appear happy so as not to offend anyone. 'Why didn't Dave come to the family dinner?' 'Why was Dave acting reclusive at a family dinner?' 'What's wrong with Dave?' 'Why is he on that restrictive diet?' Assumptions are made and feelings are hurt, over and over again in relation to Dave's condition. 

We don't get mad or upset when events don't go as planned or people don't understand, we just get tired. We are tired of trying so hard, tired of failing in their eyes or making the wrong decisions and we just don't have the energy to keep explaining ourselves. As we pull closer together trying to shield ourselves from the onslaught of extra unnecessary stress, we end up pulling further away from certain situations and certain people and we've decided that for now, that's okay. Though little has changed in the past 5 years, it's easy for people to forget that the constant struggle hasn't gone away yet. For us, we're just trying to survive and do what's best for us each day. If that means pissing certain people off and saving some of our sanity for each other and our obligations, then so be it. 

We now choose to spend time with people who lift us up, make us feel happy and safe or relieve our stress. Avoiding the opposite is a necessary part of the healing process right now. Years ago, dodging any loved ones would not have been an option to me, but for the sake of Dave's health and our marriage, we just can't please everyone. We know that some people cannot offer the kind of love and support that we need, and in the same way, we might upset them by not playing the part of the vibrant, happy couple they want. But we are only human and we can't help but build a few walls to protect ourselves right now. My biggest and most passionate hope is that these walls and Dave's illness are both only temporary. Someday soon, it will feel great to conquer them.

coping with chronic illness : our story

My husband has a chronic illness (an autoimmune disorder that is widely misunderstood by the medical profession) and we do not lead a normal life because of it. This post is my way of purging our story in hopes that people might grasp what we've tried so hard to hide; it is meant as a way for us to expound everything that we're facing, once and for all. Though this post is profoundly personal, it is also meant to hopefully empower anyone and everyone who has or cares for someone with a chronic disease as well as those who are attempting to understand a loved one who does.

Until you or someone you love deals with a daily illness or disease, it's truly hard to imagine what it's like to not have control of your health or to watch someone slowly decline. For the past 5 years, my husband has been on a roller-coaster ride dealing with "chronic-fatigue," adrenal failure and thyroid disease (Hashimoto's). Many people can manage thyroid issues or fatigue with supplements, medication, diet, surgery or lifestyle change, but unfortunately, the answers are not always so simple. However you choose to label Dave's current condition, it basically means that his endocrine system has broken down and his body is not producing what it needs to create energy or manage stress. ("Stress," in this context, ranges anywhere from hunger to physical exertion.) Lack of imperative hormones effect every single function of the body and result in excessive and abnormal fatigue, the likes of which a healthy person could not ever fathom. Any normal activities such as sitting upright, standing, breathing deeply, taking a shower, eating...etc. require more cortisol than a poorly functioning Hypothalamus- Pituitary-Adrenal Axis (HPA) can provide and become nearly impossible.

From the outside looking in, it would be easy to label someone like Dave as lazy or a hypochondriac. Has he not seen a specialist? Why aren't the doctors helping him? We've received all sorts of questions and comments ranging from, "He just needs to push himself a little harder to do things," to "When do you think he'll bounce back?" We do not claim to know exactly what's happening inside Dave's entire body, but we do know that it's very complex. We've seen the dangerous consequences from "forcing" things and we've tried almost every avenue we've been guided to or researched. 

Over the years, Dave has read, studied and learned the ins and outs of the endocrine system, ironically, as if his life depended on it. He's been mocked by medical doctors as a "know-it-all," referred to other more knowledgeable specialists and simply labeled as "chronic fatigue" and sent on his way with no answers. We've seen every "ologist" there is and have spent thousands of dollars seeking respite. He's tried various strong medications, steroids, hormone replacement therapy, sleep apnea CPAP machine, supplements, lifestyle changes, circadian dosing, acupuncture, meditation and a complete vegan/gluten-free daily-juicing dietary overhaul. (Please read this post if you assume we're malnourished.) Just as I would imagine parents receive well-intentioned yet unwarranted advice from childless friends and family, both of us have been scrutinized and criticized for our decisions and desperation. We are doing the best we can, armed with years of personal experiences, investigation, trial and error. And yes, we are desperate. 

We've been together for 10 years and only married for 3, but we've already been through more than many people twice our age. We've both set aside so many plans and aspirations that we can't really remember what it's like to be a "normal" young, married couple. I've attended countless events, parties and activities solo, trying to buffer the impact of Dave's recurrent absence. Dave has struggled to come to terms with not being able to do countless things he'd like to do from his beloved Seidokan martial art to simply walking down to the mailbox. I've grappled with keeping the inside and outside of myself and our house in working order all while trying to tactfully answer the dreaded question, "How's Dave?" The answer is: bad or worse.

Forgive my frank description and keep in mind that this post is not meant to be a pity party. It's impossible to lightheartedly explain our situation, which is why we do our best to keep it to ourselves. I've only recently accepted the fact that keeping such huge struggles private is just denial in disguise and it's limiting our capacity for growth. I'm ready for people to understand what it's like, from both sides of an illness and hopefully find some understanding and support here or elsewhere.

For the caretaker:

Sometimes, people ask me how I'm coping. Thankfully, by nature, I'm very optimistic and happy. I do not ignore our struggles, but I have a lot of different hobbies and outlets for my frustration like yoga, running, gardening, playing drums, DIY projects..etc. I also have great friends and a lovely family, but here are some specific things I do to cope:

1.) Meditate/pray: There is no right or wrong way to try this. However you experience meditation or prayer, it can be an invaluable resource for your sanity.
2.) Get creative: Since Dave and I can't take walks or do anything active, it's easy to fall into a rut, get bored and cranky. I try to keep a list of inactive things we can do together for fun, like baking or playing board games.
3.) Vent: This comes more naturally to some people, but for those of us who struggle to talk about depressing things, email a friend, use a diary (or blog!). It's very helpful to let your emotions flow freely every once in a while, even if it's just between you and yourself.
4.) Delegate: This is very difficult and uncomfortable and it's only a recent revelation for me. No one likes to ask for or receive help, especially when you'd like to appear okay, but when help is sincerely offered, just take it and don't look back. Pride is the only reason to try to handle everything alone.

"You can do anything, but not everything." -David Allen

For the chronically ill:

It is exceptionally taxing to have an autoimmune disorder or a condition that is not obvious from the outside, not fully diagnosed or not the same everyday. In addition to the unbearable pain, fatigue and emotional exhaustion, you often have to deal with putting on a front to hold down a job, answering prying questions or dodging frustrating situations. Not everyone has a huge support system, so the following list of coping suggestions does not include additional options for accepting help from family and friends.

1.) Relax: Make a point to set aside time each day that is NOT directly dedicated to your health maintenance. Whether it's meditation, recreational reading or nature/outdoor time, don't neglect the power of relaxation for your health.
2.) Vent: Just like for a caretaker, it's important to allow time to honestly express your emotions. Whether it's written or spoken, let it out sometimes.
3.) Fuel your body: Cooking or meal planning can be overwhelming, especially when you don't feel well, but right now as you read this, your diet is either helping or hindering you. Think about what you're putting into your body and make an effort to eat intentionally.
4.) Do your research: For some people, this can become an obsession. Without allowing it to monopolize excessive amounts of time, choose to be an active, informed participant in your health. There is so much to know about the body and how it is impacted by lifestyle and nutrition. Exploring theories, new research and options is not something to fear.

"The oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." - H.P. Lovecraft

As a yoga instructor, I've seen stress creep up and wreak havoc on people's bodies and minds before they even know it. It's not easy to have unanswered questions about your health or watch someone suffer, but learning how to weather the storm is vital to your morale and overall well-being. Regardless of your connection to this issue, however distant, it's important to realize that not everyone's struggles are visible or have the same answers as your experience. Be kind to those around you, beware of judging their struggles and have compassion for what you may not understand. 

I never intended to publish this cathartic post, but I finally decided it's time to use the information and experience we have to inform those who are watching or encourage those who are fighting the same battle. My current ambition is to start a dialogue with these thoughts. Whether you personally know Dave and I or just stumbled across this post, I am actively looking to start some sort of support group. It doesn't matter if you're healthy, unhealthy or just curious, I would love to reach out and encourage other caretakers in my position or people suffering from chronic illness. I'm hoping that someone might run across this post and find solace or insight. If so, please contact me.

Namaste

For more information or help for spousal caregivers, click here.